The man's guide to being manly
by I brake for nobody
Summary: "Oh, hello there. My name is Elfman Strauss, and as you can clearly see, I am manly and with this guide, you too, can be manly" Where Elfman writes a man guide and teaches the members of fairy tail in the 'way of the man'. Whether they want to or not. (They don't) Chapter 1: The man's guide to getting the girl (Gale)
1. Introduction

**Because you can never have enough Elfman being manly. **

**Next chapter should come out pretty soon. **

**Also, holy shit this came out so much longer than I planned. No regrets.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, because I'm still not cool enough.**

* * *

Elfman surveyed the guild hall, not pleased with what he saw, not pleased at all (He added an extra 'not pleased' because he was really not pleased)

Where were all the men in this guild? He desperately searched for a man befitting the word but to no avail.

Elfman then came to the conclusion that in order to find a real man, he would need a mirror.

He glimpsed the image of a naked Gray fighting Natsu with a hysterical Juvia on the sidelines yelling something about Gray-Sama having to put clothes on and glaring at her love rival Lucy for daring to stare at Gray. "I'm really not" was all Lucy could mutter.

Elfman shook his head, Gray and Natsu were most definitely not manly, a fact he would often state when near them (Or yell it loudly across the guild hall, it didn't matter) much to their annoyance and anger. But as a man, he felt it was his duty to tell them.

He turned his head towards Juvia and Lucy, the former giving off a murderous aura while muttering about Gray-Sama and her love rival and heaven knows what else. Elfman thought she was crazy, she was powerful yes, but crazy wasn't manly, so Juvia had to step up her 'man game' if she wanted to be a part of the great hall of man.

…That is a real thing. Elfman had started it himself.

Poor Lucy had no idea what else to do, no amount of, "Juvia, I don't like Gray like that" or " uhm Juvia, you're kind of leaking" seemed to do anything to appease the water mage. So she turned on her heel and ran.

WHICH WAS NOT MANLY AT ALL. Dammit Lucy, hasn't he taught her anything? A true man never runs.

Lucy was going to get another man talk when he saw her.

* * *

The unmanly laugh of a certain iron dragon slayer pulled him out of his thoughts.

Gajeel was manlier than the rest of the unmanly bunch (a name he needed to get registered fast, because that shit is brilliant) but at the moment his exceed was manlier than him. Which upset Elfman greatly, because he saw Gajeel as his pupil, often putting his arm around the dragon slayer proclaiming the day to be a 'manly day' and talking about other manly stuff.

Which only resulted in a "What the fuck are you doing?" from the dragon slayer, while Elfman only laughed at this 'joke' between men.

Till this very day, Gajeel tries to avoid Elfman as often as he can, because he believes Elfman is insane.

At this moment, Gajeel was seated at his usual table in the corner with his exceed Lilly (Elfman had proclaimed Lilly to be the manliest cat he knew, a title which Lilly took with full honor, much to the horror of Gajeel) they were deep in conversation but Elfman noticed the unmanly glances that Gajeel was giving in Levy's direction.

A real man never glances at a woman, if he likes her, then he tells her, it's the way of the man.

It was then when he noticed his eyes had fallen on a certain brown haired mage. Elfman may have let out a manly squeak.

Look, he was not glancing at Evergreen. His eyes just happened to move and she just happened to be in the way. Stupid woman.

* * *

He turned his attention towards Levy's table. Her two stooges trying hard to get her attention, but the blue haired mage seemed too deep in thought to register what they were saying.

If Gajeel was (unknowingly) one of his top students, then Jet and Droy were his problem students. They were just not willing to learn the way of the man.

Hell, Levy was manlier than them, and have you seen her?

* * *

He then heard the usual clink of two heads being banged together by Erza, which signaled the end of the fight because Erza felt her cake was in danger of being ruined.

Erza. Now there was a man. Elfman remembered the time he accidently ruined her cake and shuddered at the memory.

There was just one small problem. The cake. It was a well-known fact that a true man never ate cake. No, cake was as unmanly as they came. A true man ate pie. A fact that Erza refused to acknowledge and it broke Elfmans' heart.

* * *

Finally his eyes shifted towards the thunder god legion. Body guards to Laxus, who Elfman agrees is pretty manly, but not as manly as himself.

Bickslow was manly enough, but his creepy dolls cost him man points. Real men don't play with toys.

..Unless it's limited edition, then it was allowed.

Then there was Freed. Elfman had no idea what the hell Freed was. But he did know that Freed needed to man up and also to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HIS SISTERS.

Finally there was Evergreen. All of Elfmans' instincts told him to get away from that woman. But he ended up staring at her anyways. (staring, not glancing, so it was manly)

That woman.

* * *

That was all he could think before being knocked to the ground by Natsu, having been punched by Gray.

And as he lay on the floor, Elfman decided then and there that he was going to shape up the guild and make them manlier, hell, he might even write a book in the process.

So after joining the fight between Gray and Natsu, he went home and bound some paper together, making sure the cover was the manliest leather he could find and in un neat writing wrote the title to his would be masterpiece.

_The man's guide to being manly_

* * *

_In the next chapter_

_Chapter 1: The man's guide to getting the girl_

* * *

**The word 'man' is written about 29 times. Just let that sink in. **


	2. The man's guide to getting the girl

**I was thinking about making it multiple couples, but felt that Gajeel and Levy fitted the role the best, because we all know Gajeel needs help. **

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

Gajeel held the package in his hand, glaring at Elfman. He swore that Elfman would be the death of him.

"If you think I'm actually going to do this, then you're more crazy than I thought" Gajeel muttered.

Elfman, completely ignoring Gajeel now, smiled and looked at the book on the table. _The man's guide to be being manly_.

He opened it and read the first page out loud. "The man's guide to getting the girl" Gajeel rolled his eyes and started to complain, but was shushed when Elfman merely pointed to Levy, who was sitting with Lucy and Cana, engrossed in a book.

"It is not manly to admire a girl from afar. Now go be a man."

Gajeel grumbled murderously but slowly walked towards Levy, completely ignoring Lucy's knowing smile and Cana's smug look. Gajeel just knew that the alcoholic had made bets concerning him and Levy.

It wasn't like he liked Levy or anything. Sure, he thought she was smart and her powers were kind of cool and yes, maybe she was cute. But he didn't actually like her. But he knew that Elfman would forever echo the words 'man' into his ears, and Gajeel would rather face this humiliation than ever talking to Elfman again.

So he swallowed whatever pride he had left and stood in front of Levy. "Oi, Shrimp."

_1. For a man to get the girl, he must give her gifts. Women love gifts. So as a man, you must give her thoughtful gifts that will remind her of you whenever she looks at it. This is the first step in getting the girl._

"Oh, hey Gajeel, what can I – Ahhh" Levy started but was stopped when Gajeel just about threw a book in front of her.

"igtyagiff" Gajeel mumbled.

"I'm sorry Gajeel, I couldn't understand that" Levy asked, slightly concerned for the red faced, mumbling dragon slayer in front of her.

"I said that I got you a stupid gift, are you happy now?" and just about stormed out of the guild.

"What was that about?" Levy asked her friends, but they merely shrugged, glancing at each other and smiling, but Levy ignored them and stared at the book.

It was one of her favorites; she had mentioned it to Gajeel when they first started talking, she had told him how she had lost her copy years ago and that this love story was her favorite because she loved the idea of complete opposites falling in love.

"_Beauty and the Beast"_

Levy looked up to where Gajeel had been standing and blushed a bright red, a small smile escaping her lips.

* * *

"No, never, fuck off" Gajeel's glare was enough to make some off the members around him cower in fear, but Elfman seemed completely unfazed.

"You have to, it is your duty as a man."

Gajeel closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, "Well what if I don't want to be a man?"

Elfman gasped dramatically as if Gajeel's words had stabbed in the gut. "As a man, it is my duty to help any other man that has gone astray in his manhood. Now man up and go to her!" Elfman ordered.

Gajeel was going to kill Elfman later that night, but obeyed and stood up.

"Ah fuck." He muttered. Levy was sitting with the members of Team Natsu and her two stooges were sure to be close by as well. He noticed Elfman and Lily giving him a thumbs up and promptly flicked them off, ignored their laughs.

_2. A man should always compliment his woman. If you want her to be yours, you must compliment her with sweet and romantic words about her beauty as well as her brains. _

"Yo, Levy." He grumbled. Levy was completely taken aback by his use of her name, instead of his usual Shrimp, but she smiled that smile that made Gajeel's stomach turn.

'Must've been something I ate.' He thought and luckily for him, Natsu and Gray were too distracted by their arguing to notice him, while Erza was preoccupied with her cake and Lucy was busy reading, although Gajeel did notice a small smile on her lips, but ignored it. He focused on Levy, then at the paper in his hands. That idiot Elfman had written down some compliments for him to use on Levy. But we all know Mira actually wrote them.

"I admire how intelligent you are." He said through gritted teeth.

"Eh?" Levy was dumbstruck.

"And I like how cute you look when you read." Gray and Natsu had stopped arguing and stared at Gajeel, wide eyed.

"Gajeel, are you okay?" Levy was seriously concerned for his health now.

Gajeel sighed, "I would punch any guy who would disagree that your beauty could be compared to a rose. "he glared murderously at Gray and Natsu, who were now on the floor laughing.

"Are you trying to compliment me?" Levy asked, trying to hide her blush. Erza finally looked up from her cake.

"I see, this has nothing to do with us. Let's leave these two alone." She and Lucy started to get up while Gray and Natsu complained about wanting to see the freak show. Leaving only after Lucy and Erza dragged them by their earlobes. Gajeel enjoyed their pain.

"You know, you don't need to use stupid compliments on me." She smiled, and Gajeel was grateful that he had chosen the one sane woman in this guild to like.

They stared awkwardly at each other before Gajeel decided to leave. Levy rolled her eyes and wondered why he just didn't outright confess, but she found this entertaining.

* * *

_3. Act protective over your woman._

"Uh, Gajeel, what are you doing?"

"I'm being protective."

"Okay, but why are you handcuffing our hands together?"

"This way you can't leave my side and I'll be with you when you need me."

Levy blushed, damn Gajeel was smooth.

* * *

_4. If there are other men vying for your woman's affection, handle it in a mature fashion, this way she'll know that you're the better man._

"Gajeel! What are you doing?!" Levy screamed horrified, staring at the unconscious bodies of Jet and Droy.

"I'm getting rid of competition in a mature fashion" he stated. Levy was not buying it.

"They're my team mates, not competition! God, Gajeel, how can you be so immature?" She stomped off, getting help for Jet and Droy.

* * *

Elfman shook his head, he could not believe how his manly plan of getting Gajeel and Levy together had failed. But then he saw it, Levy with Lily in her lap, reading a book, sitting next to Gajeel. They weren't talking, but yet, they looked content. She would occasionally look up at Gajeel and smile, making Gajeel smile as well.

Elfman had to squint, but it was there. Gajeel and Levy, sitting next to each other, shoulders touching, and finger tips barely making contact.

Elfman smiled, Gajeel never needed his help, he just needed a boost and on this day, Elfman made Gajeel an honorary member of his 'great hall of man"

"Why are you smiling like that? You're scaring the kids." Evergreen stood before him and Elfman gulped manly. He pointed towards Gajeel and Levy.

"Ah, we all knew it was coming. Not that I care or anything, I just wanted to win the bet." She shrugged.

"And, did you?"

"Would you expect anything less?" she winked and walked off.

That woman.

* * *

_In the next chapter._

_Chapter 2: The man's guide to growing a beard_


End file.
